Just Catching Up

So I haven’t written much lately. I am really not sure why, funny things happen to me all the time and I just don’t seem that motivated to write them down. Maybe I am just over blogging. Maybe it is because we have so many other quicker options for daily expression – Facebook, MySpace and Twitter come to mind. We really are a society built on convenience and it is so much simpler to just change your status on Facebook than it is to write a post on Blogger.

Overall life has been good – although my brother called me to let me know that my mom thought I sounded depressed on the phone the other day. Depressed? Moi? I am not sure I have ever truly been depressed, but I certainly have not been “blupressed” for a while. Don’t worry mom, my life is peachy. Most of the time I would say it has never been better. And my only real complaints are about work and the economy – like most people today.

Anyway, here are a few of my latest happenings and some thoughts of mine.

The Rose bought a newly used car. I like the new car, mainly because it is a convertible and I miss mine terribly. Unfortunately, we really won’t be able to enjoy the wind in our hair until spring. And yes I have hair, it is just really short. Speaking of her new car…

The Rose and I drove to Poughkeepsie last weekend for a wedding in her new ride. K’s brother got married and as I am an adopted part of their family, I scored an invitation. I would suggest that everyone who has Poughkeepsie on their list of places to see before they die, should really remove it. I think The Rose hit it on the head when she said that the town peaked in the 70’s. And although I applaud their recent efforts to bring it back, it really isn’t worth the trip. The drive up was very nice though as it is fall on the east coast and as a west coaster, I did not grow up with fall. On the west coast we tend to go straight from summer to why won’t is stop raining. It was nice to drive up through the mountains with all the fall colors. Oh, and the wedding was nice.

I also went north earlier this month for Sam’s first birthday. She is already getting big and the party was, well overdone, as I guess they should be. I am always amazed at the effort that parents put into the first birthday party since it is the one birthday the child is sure to never remember. Sam did seem to enjoy eating her birthday cake. Pictured below.


I am also looking forward to voting next week for a few reasons. First this is the first time I have lived in a state where my vote might actually mean something. I have always lived in a state where the winner was predetermined before the voting started. That always made presidential elections a little less exciting for me. I mean I lived in Texas when Bush was elected the first time. He was the Governor and although I knew he was an idiot, it wasn’t like he wasn’t going to carry Texas, so why vote? Now I live in one of the swing states and believe me, I long for the days of living with the predetermined. You have no idea how many ads and radio spots we have to endure in the swing states. It isn’t every day or every hour, it is every minute here. I am so over it. I mean really, are there people out there that are still undecided? What the hell are they waiting for? So the second reason I am happy to be voting next week, is that it will all be over.

I am also excited for my sister as she is starting a new business in January. This has been a long time coming and I truly hope that this works out for her.

There is also some exciting news about The Rose and me, but I will save that for my next post.

New Life Lessons

Many of the lessons my father taught me as a child are still with me today. “You need to be able to take care of yourself as no one else will” and “it is not what you say, it is how you say it,” are two of the lessons I learned growing up – sometimes the hard way. But I think the most important life lesson my father ever taught me was this:

"Don’t get stuck working a job you hate your whole life because it is the most money you can make with the job skills you have."

That is what happened to my dad. He worked a job for most of his life that he hated, because he had to. I will admit that this is a lesson that I did not understand well as a teenager. I think it took some hard times with my own career before I truly understood it. It is about marketable skills and finding a job you love – or at least like. I am fortunate that I found a career that I like. I wouldn’t say love, but I can’t make a living at what I love, which is why we all have hobbies. If you can’t work at something you love, play at something you love.

This is also a lesson I also tried to instill in Nick as he grew up, although I phrased it a bit differently. “Life is about options…you always need to give yourself options…if you woke up one day and decided that you wanted to be an astronaut, wouldn’t it be nice to have the option to try.” I think Nick understood the intent of this lesson much sooner than I did in life. He is definitely working hard at something he loves. I admire him for chasing his dream, but I would still like to see him hedge his bet a little bit and give himself some other options.

I spoke with my dad yesterday and I am amazed that he is still teaching me life lessons. You see, my dad finally retired from that crappy job this year and when I asked him how his retirement was going, his response was this:

"Retirement isn’t for the young, that is for sure. The hardest part is getting up and having to figure out what you are going to do that day."

Read between the lines and you find some words of wisdom here. My dad has worked hard his whole life. He has supported his family, much longer than any parent should have to, and now that he is retired, he does not know what to do with himself. His whole life has been about work and his family. His days were only filled with work and home life. The problem with retirement is one of those has been taken from him. I always marveled at the old timers my dad worked with that are ten or twenty years older than him, guys that could have retired years ago and chose to continue to work. And why? “Why retire, so I can sit at home and do nothing, at least when I am working, I get to come here and play cards with my friends.” I always hoped my dad wouldn’t be one of those guys and end up working into his seventies. Well my dad did retire this year, but in one of life’s ironies, he also found out that he is very sick. I don’t think this is a sudden illness, as I am sure he has been sick for a long time, he was just better at coping with it that most would have been. As he told me when he was diagnosed, “I have felt this way for years, I just didn’t know any different.”

So now that he and my mother have both reached an age where they shouldn’t be worried about anything except enjoying their days together, visiting with grandchildren or seeing the world, they are at home, visiting doctors and waking up asking, "What should we do today?"

New life lessons from my dad.

1. Take care of you body, you will want to use it for a long time.
2. Don’t let your job be your life. Let your life be your job.
3. Have some fun today, because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

I am really glad that my dad is still teaching me lessons at my age, I just wish they weren’t always at his expense. Happy Father’s Day, dad.

I am saving room for dinner…

I spent last weekend visiting The Rose’s grandparents in a small town outside of Boston, where they have lived since the 50’s in their small square grandparent’s house. They are without a doubt the nicest, littlest, oldest people I have ever spent any time around in my life. Her grandfather spends his days in the garden and her grandmother spends her days cooking.

You have to understand that I lost all of my grandparents when I was still a child. I believe the last of them died when I was around 14 years old. Now that I am old enough to technically be a grandparent – don’t get any ideas Nick – my parents are the oldest people I know and they are in their early sixties. The Rose’s grandparents are in their mid eighties. They have been married since they were in their early twenties…yeah, they will be married sixty-six years in August. Imagine that sometime.

Her grandparents are great. Her Nunna is constantly cooking and thus tried to feed me all weekend. There is always room for a little more macaroni. She is the type of grandmother that makes something special for you because you like it. Her brother made a random comment, around the time the second or third course came up from the basement, about not having fried meatballs and low and behold, ten minutes later – fried meatballs. Oh and delicious fried meatballs. I mentioned to her that I like the bragiole she cooked Friday night and so she made it for me again on Sunday. Again delicious.

There was so much food and it just kept coming up from the basement – where her SECOND kitchen is. I got to the point that, if asked if I needed more food, I would always respond, "no thanks I am saving room for dinner," even after dinner was served. We had home made pasta with “sauce” – you Italians will know what that means – and bragiole, sausage, meatballs, pork and lamb for dinner. Oh and lest I forget the chicken cutlets. This was after having soppressata and cheese as well as meatballs and fried meatballs for a snack. AND THIS WAS JUST FRIDAY NIGHT! We had a BBQ on Saturday – for the cousin who graduate high school – and another big dinner on Sunday. I have never eaten so much food in three days.

After dinner Friday night, Nunna said she had thought of making rice pudding but hadn’t gotten to it, so The Rose and she made it together, just in case we had saved room for dessert. What room? Her brother could barely move while sitting in a chair after dinner.

We spent a lot of time this weekend just talking to them and I found their lives to be fascinating. They are funny and insightful. Her grandfather told us stories of delivering mail before there were zip codes. He is a retired postal worker. Nunna spent her youth sewing in a sweat shop in Boston.

We discussed what it was like to raise a family in the old days. How they didn’t have heat growing up so in the winter time they would sleep with a hot brick in their bed. Or how it was so cold they would close off the front room of their apartment because, according to her uncle, ”it would snow in there.” How they used to use every ounce of food they could get and how meat was a luxury. How they used to “fight over the last piece of fried blood for breakfast,” according to her dad. The conversations were great and I don’t think I have laughed that hard in a long time.

And Nunna, don’t worry I will still talk to you even if you vote republican this year.

They made me feel like a part of the family and I am really glad I got to meet them. It makes me wish that my grandparents had lived long enough for me to become an adult and truly appreciate their experiences and their lives. If you are lucky enough to have some old timers still around in your family, take the time to learn about their lives. It is truly amazing how different our lives are today from theirs. I really don’t know how they made it.

I met most of the Rose’s family this weekend and I am amazed at how close they all are. I am lucky that over the last decade I have gotten close with my immediate family – my siblings and parents. But it is different for The Rose. Her entire family is very close. Aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews are all part of one big family unit. They celebrate and commiserate together. And although I may think it a little strange to travel to Boston just to see a cousin graduate from high school, I think it must be incredible to have a family that would.

Chances

I was listening to the radio this morning and I heard a song by Michael Tolcher called Sooner or Later. There is a line in the song that struck me.

“And playing in the rain is worth catching cold”

I think more of us need to adopt this attitude. It is an elegant way to say that taking chances and having fun are worth the outcome. At least that is what it means to me. The whole song is about people maturing and understanding the world around them.

As I listened to this song, I was thinking about the people in my family. I hope that they too would someday take some chances and understand their world better. I hope my sister follows through and opens her own business next year. Whether it fails or succeeds, the experience will be worth it. I hope my parents will retire to another part of the country. Sixty years in NCal is enough. Go enjoy your retirement…see some of the rest of the country. I hope that my brother will one day find a career he loves as much as he does his family. You know what you want to do, find a way to make it happen. And as for my little sister, I hope that one day she has the courage to work for the life that she wants and stop settling for what comes to her. Nothing worth while in life is ever accomplished without hard work.

I am not trying to be hard on my family. I know that they all have very difficult lives. But I am also confident that if they decide to change them, they will. Despite what they might think, I don’t think I am smarter or better than they are. I just took a chance and joined the Navy at a young age. It turned out to be a good decision. I got out in the world and expanded my horizons. I got an education that has helped me throughout my life. All of that happened because I took a chance. It’s your turn.

How Many Can You Find?

Let’s play a game. How about you tell me all the differences you can find in my living room after this weekend. I have attached the before and after pictures. I will tell you that this is just the start of the changes to this wall. More will come over the next few weeks, but I think this is a good start.

What's Different

And for an update on The Rose front…she asked me this weekend if I wanted to come to her parent’s house to watch the Super Bowl next weekend. I think this is a big step for her to introduce me to her family. Her family is from Massachusetts, so there will be a lot of Patriot fans watching the game. It will be a bit strange for me as I actually find myself rooting for the Giants this year. Not that I am a Giants fan, but I am not sure anyone outside of New England can rightfully root for The Evil Empire right now. The Patriots are starting to fill the roll of the Cowboys from a few decades a go – the team you love to hate.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I sort of preferred it when the people from Boston spent them time wallowing in self pity and talking about curses. Don’t get me wrong, I was very tired of them playing the Glum character in Gulliver’s Travels, but I have come to realize that they are much more tolerable as the loveable losers than they are gracious as the winners. I can’t imagine how bad it will be if the Celtics with the NBA tile this year. How will we live with them then?

So it will be me and a bunch of Patriot fans for the Super Bowl. I am about to find out how K felt back in 1990 when we watched the NFC Championship game between the NY Giants and the San Francisco 49ers at my parent’s house, with many 49er fans and absolutely no Giants fans.

You might remember the game as it is maybe the best NFC Championship game in history. The Giants won 15-13, mainly due to a Roger Craig fumble late in the fourth quarter. Craig was one of the greatest backs in 49er history, but unfortunately he is mainly known for this fumble.

Now K is a lifetime Giants fan and to his credit he was very quiet and polite the entire game. And it wasn’t until after the Giants won and as my mom was walking around the house ranting - “WE WILL NOT BE WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL IN THIS HOUSE!” - that K finally got up from his chair, while no one but me could see, and did his quiet victory dance. It was quite funny. I don’t think the Giants will be pulling off the miracle upset next weekend, but if they do, I will save my victory dance until after we leave.

Defining Life Moment #1

I was reading Becky's site today and she stole and idea from Janet, who stole it from, well you get the idea. The reality of it is the idea originated with Charlie on Lost. I think it is very tough to boil your life down to five defining moments, but I will give it a try. Since I don't want to write a book, I will post them one at a time.

If I told you that my dad and I have the great relationship we have today because he hit me once with his fist, would you believe me? It is true, my first defining life moment is the fight with my dad.

As I have written many times, my “dad” is actually my stepdad. He is the only father I have ever really known and I have always thought of him as my dad. That is not to say that our relationship has always been great. I am sure this is the case with most kids and their parents, but I think it can especially be true between kids and step parents

I don’t have many memories of my childhood, at least none I choose to remember. But the fight with my dad is very vivid. It was a crucial turning point in our relationship and in my life. It happened one morning during the summer in my junior year of high school. I was sixteen, I was always a year younger than everyone else, and had done something teenager like the night before. I had told my parents that, after I got off work, some of my friends and I were going to the drive-in movie, back when they had drive-in movies. In reality, I was going to a party at a friend’s house. Well, I ended up in a bad quarter’s game and got so drunk that I passed out and never called home. This was not the first time I did not come home at night, but it was the first time my parents had no idea where I was.

I remember waking up in the morning and thinking I was in big trouble. My friend told me that my parents had called around 4 AM looking for me. They had apparently been frantically calling everyone I knew. I didn’t go home right away as I was trying to avoid the inevitable. When I got home later that morning, only my dad was home. I walked into the dining room and he met me there. I was greeted with a fist to the face. And then a lot of yelling about how I had worried my mother to death and I better never do that again.

Now this wasn’t the first time my dad had ever hit me. It was the first time he had ever hit me with a fist. I know he didn’t hit me as hard as he could, but it was still shocking and to be honest, really pissed me off. I remember standing there with my fists clenched ready to throw down.

As I stood there, angry, I looked into his eyes. He was still yelling, but I wasn’t really listening. You see, for the first time ever, I saw something in his eyes that I had never really seen. I saw love. I saw his love for me. I saw that it wasn’t only me worrying my mother that he was yelling about. I saw the same worry in his eyes, in his face.

Our relationship had been very rocky since I was about 8. This was maybe the first time since I was a child that I didn’t just see my dad as an angry bastard. I had to do something stupid and he needed to get my attention before I could see that despite all of his anger and all the problems we had, that he loved me.

He had stopped talking and we stood there looking at each other. He saw that I had been ready to hit him. I think he was waiting to see what I would do next. I think he also knew this was a defining moment in our relationship. I unclenched my fists. He didn’t say anything, he just hugged me.

It took some years after that for us to really grow to the relationship we have today, but I always think back to that one moment as the turning point for us.

My Dad

I am sure that right now there are a lot of posts out there about dads. Well, this is mine. Let me start with a little clarification. My dad is really my step dad. My biological father left my mother, my sister and me when I was about three years old. I have not seen him since and have no memories of him at all. My mother and my step dad met shortly there after and so he is the only dad I have ever had in my life. He is the man who imparted my beliefs, morals and ethics. I have never referred to him as my step dad. He has always just been my dad.

Now, I would like to say that I grew up in a Norman Rockwell setting, but that just wouldn’t be true. My childhood was difficult for many reasons. My dad was definitely one of those reasons. As I have grown older I have come to realize that life’s difficulties can have a serious affect on young people. This can be especially true for young people trying to raise a family under difficult circumstances. Young people make mistakes in life. My dad was no different. There were many troublesome issues surrounding him so long ago. Issues that I don’t think anyone would have dealt with well. I am sure my dad looks back at his youth and feels much regret. I don’t think he has ever forgiven himself for those early years. I am not sure that he realizes that I forgave him many years ago. Hopefully he can forgive himself one day.

I often wonder what he thinks I look back on in my childhood. If he wonders what my childhood memories are. Well let me tell you some. I remember the fun of holidays with my family. I remember the times you spent teaching me to play baseball at the park. I remember the bike you gave me when I was about ten. I remember learning to drive in reverse. I remember the ridiculous science fiction movies at 2:00 AM in the morning. I remember you working too much to make sure we had nice things. And most of all I remember how there was never a doubt in my world that my parents loved each other. Those are my memories so, dad, you can stop worrying about me. I am good.

Lately I have realized that it is his guilt from his youth that has sculpted my dad’s life for the last twenty plus years. I think he has spent years trying to make up for his youthful mistakes. Today he is an unbelievably generous man – to a fault. He has sacrificed many things in his life to support his children and now his grandchildren. He spent 30 years working a job he despises just to take care of his family. Even today, he is always there to help out his children. A fact that I think they sometimes take advantage of. Your children are adults now, your job is done. It is time for them to make it on their own. You raised four children and supported two others and now have sixteen grandchildren. Your job as a dad is done.

So dad, my message to you on this father’s day is this. You are getting ready to retire and that is well deserved. I only expect you to do two things the rest of your life. Take care of my mother and take care of yourself. I would like you to be in this world for a very long time. I worry that won’t be the case at the pace you are going. Enjoy your retirement and your time as a granddad. Free yourself from the stress of your life.

You should know that in my mind, your legacy as my dad will not be judged by a few years of turmoil, it will be judged by a life time of great deeds. You should know that no child ever had a better dad in life. I feel incredibly lucky that you were there all those years ago to become my dad. I love you Dad.