Dating, Me?

I went out on a date recently. Well it wasn’t exactly a date. It was a date with my ex. We met at her corporate office so she could give me the last of my stuff. Afterward we went to her employee store and I used her discount to buy 6 cases of wine. I have plenty, but you should never turn down wine at 70% off.

When we got done we went out to dinner together. Now many of you might not consider this a date, but since I have not been on a date in over ten years, and since I paid for dinner, I choose to call this a date. Now, it wasn’t a date like most dates I remember. I mean I wasn’t nervous, it wasn’t awkward and there was no chance of sex at the end of the night. I’m pretty sure our days of seeing each other naked ended some time ago.

We ate, we drank wine and we talked about each other’s lives. We talked about our friends, about our fantasy football league and about work. Sounds like a date right. We talked about our friend’s sex lives, but not ours. We didn’t talk about our break up, or our eventual divorce papers. It was a nice evening and it ended with a hug and a 90 minute drive home for me. I guess you could call it a practice date, although I’m not sure why I would be practicing.

Now I’m not opposed to actually starting the dating process. I have just not been looking for the opportunity. It might be easier if I didn’t think of it as a process, huh? The prospect of dating a stranger, even causally, after being out of the game so long, is a little frightening. Besides, the moment I start dating, I will be admitting to myself that my relationship with my ex is over. In my head I know it is, but I am not sure the rest of me is ready to admit it.

The other scary thing about dating is “love.” I am definitely not ready to feel that emotion again. I was listening to a song this morning and it struck me that the song was describing exactly how I feel about love right now in my life. Here is a piece of it.

I know there’s little use in crying
It’s more wide awake and dying then I’m used to
I thought we’d walk these streets together
Now I’m hoping that I’ll never have to meet you
Step aside from all this anger
And somewhere in between I can feel you
Ask me should we try again
I’m thinking no
Y’know, it’s not what I believe in
It’s not what I believe in
Ghost - Howie Day

If you don’t listen to Howie Day, you should. Now I know that this song is probably written about a person and not about an emotion, but it sums up my feelings about love. I‘m not talking about the love I feel for my ex, or the lost love I yearn for, or the love I have for my son’s mother. I am talking about the idea of love and being in love.

I think we all grow up expecting that we will fall in love and be happy for the rest of our lives. Well after my third try at eternal love, I am just a little bit cynical on the subject. I think eternal love is like the thought of the Cubs winning the World Series, it is a nice fantasy, but the odds of it happening are astronomical.

I mean really, how many of you know people who have been together forever. I’m sure the number of people you know who are divorced far outnumbers the number of marriages that have lasted more than 10 years. Like I said, I’m just a little cynical about the whole concept of love.

To all of you that are in love, looking for love, or running from love, I wish you the best. However, I think I am done searching. Who knows, maybe it is like they say, the best way to find something, is to stop looking for it.