"Pimpin"

I don’t care how low you sit in the seat, or how you wear your hat, you will never look cool driving an Altima. You can’t look cool driving a piece of shit like that. Who do you think is looking at you and thinking “look how cool that guy is,” guys driving a Hyundai. Even the guy in the Corolla looks at you and knows he is cooler than you. So now that you know this, please stop cruising the Avenue like you are looking for chicks. Unless you are cruising the Avenue for hookers because no other woman is coming near you in that car. So push down on the gas pedal and stop forcing the rest of us to drive at 10 MPH down the street.

On another note, my sister was trying to pimp me out this weekend. We were out celebrating her birthday and she started talking me up to the bartender. It was nice that the bartender did not believe I was almost 40, but come on sis…pimping me out in public. It is not that I don’t appreciate the effort, but please…YOU PICKED THE WRONG BARTENDER. Yes, it is true that I was a little infatuated with a bartender, but not the one that she picked for me. So for future hook up reference, I would like to give you all a few guidelines.

• A girl whose roots are dark does not qualify as a brunette. Even if they are making themselves blonde, I still consider them blonde. Blonde…bad. Brunette…good¹.
• Walking around all night showing everyone your cleavage is not the only way a girl can be sexy. Sure it is nice to look at, but sometimes things left to the imagination are sexier than things out for all to see.
• I am sure a guy as picky as I am could come up with a bunch more, but then no woman on the planet would ever seem good enough for me…can’t have that. So I will leave it at that for now.

1. All you blondes out there, relax. So you can’t have me…you still have more fun.