Sunday, June 26, 2005

Am I In Brandyland?

My ex called me tonight around 9:30...Drunk. That's right, I got drunk dialed. It has been a long time since I was drunk dialed or since I drunk dialed someone. We were together for over ten ears, so no need to dial anyone drunk for that time. Now, I know drunk dialing usually happens much later in the evening, but you would have to know my ex. You see, 9:30 is pretty late for her, even on a weekend. It is funny, because when I met her she was a bartender and was basically a night person - up until dawn and slept in until the afternoon every day. As she got older, changed her career and started working a "normal" job, she started going to bed by 9:00 and getting up way to damn early. So for her 9:30 is a late call.

Now she was not sloppy drunk, but more like into her second bottle of chardonnay drunk. She has also become quite the light weight over the years. The conversation was pretty mild, as most of ours are. You know, what's going on with you, how is your family etc. Then she asked me something that I have dreaded talking about or even knowing about - are you seeing anyone? I chuckled and told her no. She wanted to know why I laughed and I told her that I just couldn't see myself with anyone right now. That made her laugh. She asked me if I had seen anyone since we split and I told her no. I asked her and she said she also has not gone out with anyone. We laughed about the awkward conversation you would have with someone if you did meet them...are you married? Well, yes and no...it is hard to explain. I really don't want to talk about it.

I started to wonder why people drunk dial exes? I think back to when I have done it in the past and it always comes down to unresolved or hurt feelings. Is that what is going on here. Does she regret us splitting up? Would she want to reconcile at some point? Was she just feeling lonely and needed to talk with her friend? I don't know. I mean, I know we have a lot of unresolved feelings and that we will always care about each other. We were friends before we were lovers and I think that always stays with you - sometimes you have to get past the pain of the break up first. The thing is, we did not really have a painful break up. It was all so matter of fact. I mean when a long relationship ends, shouldn't there be some yelling, screaming or tears. We did not really have any of that. It was more like, I am moving here...OK.

At one point in the call, she asked me if I hate her. I of course told her no. What I did not say was that I did not blame her for our relationship ending up the way it did. If anything, it was my fault. I think I tend to hang onto relationships longer than I should. It goes back to the fact that I have never felt the lightning strike. I have never really fallen in love. Not the kind of love they write about, or make movies about. I get involved. I care about someone, I may even love them, but I don't think I have ever fallen hard.

It's funny, my first wife and her second husband, of many years, used to fight like crazy at the beginning of their relationship. The kind of fights where police were sometimes involved. I asked her why she wanted to be in a relationship like that. Her reply was that the more you love someone the more you can hate them. The farther you are on one side of the spectrum, the farther you can end up on the other side of the spectrum. It didn't make sense to me then, but I think I understand it now. It is why extreme right wing conservatives can't stand extreme left wing liberals while the rest of us, who are more in the middle, just think they are both nuts.

I am not sure where I am going with this whole post, but I tend to try to analyze my life and try to learn from my experiences. I know I have loved three women in my life. I am not sure that I have loved any of them enough that law enforcement needed to be involved. However, there is always hope and the chance that I will meet someone who I won't mind going to jail for. Who knows, it could be you.

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