The thing is, telling women -- especially single women -- that they need to hurry up and have children is like telling an elderly woman with a walker that she needs to get across the street faster. She wants to get across the street. She's trying to get across the street. Yelling that the light is changing and cars are coming will not help her get across the street.
One thing that would help us get across the street is shortening the time we spend in less-than-stellar relationships. And one reason these relationships can take years is that we've always had to start over from scratch. But no more, because I have devised the time saving Relationship Equivalency Exam! The exam is completely unscientific, but until someone comes up with a better one, this is the standard. You and only you can determine whether your date's answer merits relationship credit, allowing him/her to place out of that particular relationship stage. This exam should be administered over drinks, because if all goes well, you might be moving in rather than going to dinner.
Relationship Equivalency Exam for Men
1. English: What does it mean when you say, "I'll call you?"
2. Math: How many women can you have sex with and still be monogamous?
3. Psychology: Other than abject fear, what are some possible reactions to the words, "I love you?"
4. Economics: Who pays for dinner if your date makes more than you and how long before you resent her for it?
5. Physics: Find a way to arrange your bathroom items on your half of the sink, knowing full well your girlfriend needs the whole sink for her items.
Relationship Equivalency Exam for Women
1. English: When you say, "I'm not in a rush to get married," define the word "rush."
2. Math: Is the amount of minutes it takes you to evaluate a date as a potential husband more than or equal to the amount of minutes it takes you to identify and ignore the red flags?
3. Psychology: Other than abject fear, what are some possible reactions to the words, "I need space?"
4. Economics: How much should you pay for an apartment you never visit in order to keep a boyfriend from freaking out that you live in his?
5. Physics: Find a way to arrange your bathroom items on your half of the sink while still maintaining the illusion that you wake up looking this good.
Pencils down. Break up or marry accordingly.
These are very good questions and definitely questions we should think about. For those of you that care…here are my answers.
1. I try never to say “I’ll call you.” That phrase has such an I am blowing you off stigma that I don’t think men should use it. Say something original instead like, "I really had a lot of fun tonight, but unfortunately I am moving to Nepal next week to study with the Dali Lama. Can I contact you when I get back?"
2. Do you mean at once? I mean you are still monogamous if you are having a ménage à trois, right? Assuming she is one of the girls. Please, please don’t spoil this dream for me.
3. I was initially brought back to my Monty Python days…”Run Away…Run Away.” However, I am sure there are probably many other acceptable responses to someone saying they love you…like “Thank You” or “That’s Nice.”
4. Like how much more does she make than me? Does her salary make mine seem like minimum wage? Resent her? Are you f*#cking kidding, I would marry her tomorrow. Wait, she is hot, right?
5. Well, I guess for love I could find someplace to put all my hair products so that she could have the entire sink. I think if you expect to have a hot girlfriend, then you need to give her some room to make the magic happen. Besides, we do have a spare bathroom, right? My hair isn't going to take care of itself.
Now, which of you lovely ladies wants to go out with me? Don't be shy, step right up, I know I am a catch.
So, how would you answer these questions?
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