I had a dream last night. It’s a reoccurring dream I have about confrontation. Confrontation I’ve been avoiding for more than a quarter of my life. Confronting the source of my pain, my guilt and my regret. The pain that makes my heart ache. The guilt that eats away at my soul. The regret that haunts my days as well as my restless nights. I’m not sure if I can ever make myself live this dream. Make myself confront my past. Instead, I have convinced myself that I can live with the consequences of my actions. Live with my choices. Live with the restless nights and broken sleep. Live with the pain, the guilt, the regret.
I try not to think about such things. I’ve always tried to avoid the inevitable. I like to think that everything works itself out. That everything happens for the best. I force my burden into the back of my mind during the day and refuse to face the truth. I escape into the day to day routine of life and avoid the one compunction that haunts my dreams. But my subconscious mind won’t let me bury my affliction. It won’t let me avoid the issue eating away at my life. It reminds me nightly of my remorse.
I know if I’m ever to feel like a whole person again, I must face the thing I fear the most, confrontation. If I’m ever going to get another good night’s sleep, I must stop masking my pain, stop burying my guilt, stop running from my regret. I just don’t know if I am strong enough to face life’s mistakes in the waking hours.
“We've tried to wash our hands of all this.
We never talk of our lacking relationships.
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor.
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip.”
The Freshman – The Verve Pipe - 1996
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